Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
A+ Viking dick
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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