Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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