As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
