are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
