I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
