Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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