the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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