found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
