Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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