Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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