He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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