you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
