She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
