yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
