I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
