i love accidental penises.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
