Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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