Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
