the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
