ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
