he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
