he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
