my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
