he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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