Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
sarcasm needs its own font
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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