Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
