i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
