Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
