Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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