I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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