Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
