Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
