i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
