pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
