I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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