Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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