the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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