What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
