i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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