gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
