If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
