Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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