I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
