what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
