1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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