I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
