There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
