I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
