guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
