She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
