I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
