why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
