All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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