God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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