she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
