you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
