when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
