I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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