I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
