I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
