he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
