remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
